I’ve been telling my students to look or search for the meaning of their existence; to ask themselves what is the purpose of their life, to ask what is their meaning. I speak about bravery, strength of character, and the courage to say, “Yes” to life, despite frustrations and difficulties that they are encountering right now, or obstacles that they are yet to encounter. Yet every time those words of encouragements come out of my mouth, my heart keeps on protesting, shouting against the words I was saying.

Lately it has been really difficult for me to speak in my classes because I, myself, am not convinced with what I was saying already. I’ve been telling rose-colored things to my students that are totally in contradiction with what I feel, with what my soul is shouting at the moment. Yet I cannot stop. I must not stop. It is my job to talk and talk and talk in class and I am paid for it. I no longer have a work; I only have a job. Yeah, maybe, sooner or later I will just be like everybody else: corrupt, and does things only because of money, money, money, and money!!!

And I hate my self for these!!!