I’ve been trying to travel back to the times when I was still very shy and wretchedly suffering from inferiority complex. But I can no longer conceive how it felt. I know that for most of my life this has been the greatest battle I had ever faced – to overcome my sense of inferiority and learn to affirm my self. I’ve always known that I am much, more than what meets the eye. I knew deep inside that I have more to give, better things to share, to offer, than what I am usually showing to people. But as to how to bring myself out, I didn’t know. I don’t know.
I developed a sense of shame and doubt; a very low self-image and self-esteem that almost all my school years I’ve always preferred to stay at the back of our class. And whenever the teacher calls my name, I really have to die at that very moment (I needed to die!). I would suddenly be lost in the universe that even though I had lots of ideas to say and reflections to share, I often found my self trembling in fright, which make it very difficult for me to utter any word, which often give people the impression that I am the idiot of all idiots, or the moron of all morons for that matter. Funny I even tried any reading materials that give tips or information how to improve oneself. I watched movies or talk shows that gives advice and heard many people around who cares (or rather pretend to care) sharing their words of encouragement. Yet still, I could not save my self from this misery.
Everyday seemed to be a tormenting hell that I’d rather withdraw from the cold world outside into my own universe. I have been a living dead. But as if resurrected from the grave, a new person emerged; a new me was born!
Tonight, as I try to reminisce the person I used to be, I can only remember I’ve been a crap but I don’t know, nor remember how it used to feel like it anymore. Now I tend to look at people who have an inferiority complex as I had suffered before, with embarrassment and disgust! I hate looking at them.
But why? Why? I used to be like them. I am supposed to be the one to understand them better…but I don’t. I don’t like them. Is it because they remind me of who I was? Perhaps. But isn’t it that I can no longer remember how it felt… Is it because the “old me” is indeed dead? But then again, yes, I don’t feel anymore…but I still remember…. I remember how people crashed my soul, shattered my being, and devastated my life. I wanted to inflict them pain. I wanted revenge! I crave for their wretchedness! WHY?
I learned to trust my self, to affirm my self, to face giant people, to affirm life no matter how strong the storms and thundering are before me. But I am not sure if I have become a better person or not. I’m not sure… I don’t know…
Nevertheless I want to believe that I have become better. Or if not, at least to pretend I am a better person now, as compared to who and what I used to be…
Thursday, March 31, 2005
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