This is fate. This is destiny.

Perhaps there is really an intended design of the universe, designed by The Malevolent Designer: That no matter what you do or not do, you will and will always arrive at your destiny. Whether you like it or not, every day of your life is a step towards your final end. There is no stopping. You cannot do anything about or against it but to just go with the flow until you become The Malevolent Designer’s intended form, until you have served your purpose – to please The Malevolent Designer, by being wretched!

I’ve been telling my students to look or search for the meaning of their existence; to ask themselves what is the purpose of their life, to ask what is their meaning. I speak about bravery, strength of character, and the courage to say, “Yes” to life, despite frustrations and difficulties that they are encountering right now, or obstacles that they are yet to encounter. Yet every time those words of encouragements come out of my mouth, my heart keeps on protesting, shouting against the words I was saying.

Lately it has been really difficult for me to speak in my classes because I, myself, am not convinced with what I was saying already. I’ve been telling rose-colored things to my students that are totally in contradiction with what I feel, with what my soul is shouting at the moment. Yet I cannot stop. I must not stop. It is my job to talk and talk and talk in class and I am paid for it. I no longer have a work; I only have a job. Yeah, maybe, sooner or later I will just be like everybody else: corrupt, and does things only because of money, money, money, and money!!!

And I hate my self for these!!!

Easier said than done

The comment of JustAHuman in one of my poems still rings through my head: “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you did'nt do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails.“

There are really lots of things that I want to do but I just can’t; I’ve got lots of responsibilities. I don’t know, duties, obligations, etc. I really feel as if I am driven by everyone, especially my own family. I’ve got lots of things to prove, lots of things to improve, lots of things to maintain, lots of things that must be accomplished, lots of things to… aahhh… I’m tired! But I can’t just stop and rest. I’ve got to move.
I live in haste…always in haste!

I wish I had the courage to just do what I want to do, to live my life. But how can I? If I live for other people, I suffer. If I live just for my self, I also suffer. What then is the difference between living and not living an authentic life? I can’t see. I can’t see.

“Falling in love.” Just the thought of it makes me shiver, terrified, afraid! Love has brought destruction to my family, especially to my mom. It has brought destruction to the people around me, to the environment I grew up with, especially to women, implanting terrible consequences to my soul. And although I’ve been doing my best to forget, it is just so difficult to let go. Those images of misery just can’t get out of my mind.

My colleagues, friends and co-workers never see me being romantically involved with the opposite sex. How could they? I don’t have a boyfriend. I never had a boyfriend! Sometimes I can’t help but to be upset every time people tell me that I ought to get married now, or at least have a boyfriend. Sometimes they’re even the ones setting up dates for me. It’s not that I’m too ugly not to have any suitors and admirers; it’s just that I don’t want to. I don’t need to (at least for now). I can have friends but definitely not “lovers”!

I am aware that people often associate being alone as being lonely, but I’m not. Well, okay, I admit I am lonely and melancholic. But it’s not because I’m alone. Rather, it is because I feel most lost when I’m with the crowd.
I’m the type of person who loves to be alone with my self, and although many times I tried to reach out to people and get out of my cocoon, I always find my self longing to be in solitude. Although I am open with the possibility that I will also be married someday and have my own child, at the moment I just can’t imagine my self, involved in a romantic relationship with the other sex. Sometimes I am pressured and can’t help but to be bothered by my colleague and co-workers who are always teasing me. But hell! I think I’m self-sufficient.

I can’t force myself to love someone or to pretend to love someone just to show the world that finally, I am “romantically involved.” Why should I force myself just to please others, to meet their standards? Whatever…

When the time comes, it will just come….

It’s been so long since the last time I looked at the stars at night. Time has passed, too fast that I didn’t even notice how much my face has changed. I have indeed grown old! Things are really different now, very different. Or is it?

I don’t know what really happened… as if I’ve gone to many different worlds, to another universe. Everything was uncertain. Everything is uncertain.

One thing is for sure though - that I’ve missed a lot…

that I’ve missed my life.

why?

Why do we have to laugh when we feel like crying?
Why do we have to smile when we feel like bursting into tears?
Why do we have to pretend to be strong when we feel like kneeling down?
Why do we have to mature so fast without experiencing how it is to be a little child?
Why do we have to search for the truth when in the end you’ll only regret what you’ll find out?
Why should one continue living when s/he desperately needs to die?

Why….

What is there to be afraid of? Nothing. What happen happens.
Life is a mystery, so don’t problem about tomorrow anymore.
Live every moment of your life at a time. Just let the days pass by.
You’re still breathing now but who knows you’ll be in your grave later.
Don’t be afraid of death; instead, be thankful of it because it’s a solace.
Yes, death is a solace!